Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Helpful Hint: Getting Over Grudges
If you still have issues in your life you struggle to get over, you may benefit from this exercise.
Pull out a piece of paper and make a list of all the things you have yet to forgive in your life. Identify who is to "blame" for these problems.
Now, try to think of every redeeming quality those people have, one at a time. Look at the things they have done to you that you can't get over. Might they have had your best interests in mind? Why do you feel the need to hold on to the feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred? Explain that on paper to yourself. After you're done, write a list of things you could begin remembering that could help you get over your past.
Pull out a piece of paper and make a list of all the things you have yet to forgive in your life. Identify who is to "blame" for these problems.
Now, try to think of every redeeming quality those people have, one at a time. Look at the things they have done to you that you can't get over. Might they have had your best interests in mind? Why do you feel the need to hold on to the feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred? Explain that on paper to yourself. After you're done, write a list of things you could begin remembering that could help you get over your past.
ALLIE'S SAMPLE GRUDGE LIST
WHAT
Harassing me about debates, being whiny and obnoxious
WHO
My Arch-Nemesis
What is good about my arch-nemesis?
-he has a girlfriend who loves him, so there must be something lovable there
-he reads a lot
-he cares about things
-he's proactive enough to bug me about stuff he finds important
These are all things I like: being proactive, expanding your mind, caring about important things.
Why did he do what he did?
Apparently, he wanted a chance to promote his ideas and advertise for our clubs in a more widely-advertised way.
Is there anything good about this?
Yes. I like to support my own ideas, and advertise for my club. His point of view is understandable.
Why do I need to hold onto this grudge? Is there anything keeping me from moving on?
...maybe not.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Tip #6: Get Over It.
We've all had tough lives. I firmly believe that everyone's life is tough. Even if you sit there and watch seven of your loved ones keel over and die in the space of three weeks, and your best friend's major issue is merely a large zit on her nose, I do believe that we are all given the trials we need. All of us suffer, and eventually have to get over it.
If you are dwelling on issues from the past, today is the day to get over them. Learn to forgive. This is a vital skill in any relationship, and you can't possibly expect to have a truly functional relationship with anyone if you haven't gotten your past issues taken care of first.
Forgiveness can be extremely difficult. All of us have been wounded by others, both intentionally and otherwise, and sometimes those wounds go very deep. Start by praying for the ability to forgive, and open your heart to the possibility of it. Remember that holding a grudge can be pretty draining. If you deserve someone who can give you their 100%, you should be willing to give 100% to them too--and you can't do that while still being a hater.
Get over your haterhood.
Of course, it's not always that easy. I've had friends who were raped, abused; how do you forgive that? How do you forgive a parent's neglect? It's not easy. While I was growing up I felt pretty neglected by my parents, and it took years of therapy and prayer to change that. Now we are on good terms, but for a good decade there we weren't. Getting over my issues with them was difficult--but you have to start somewhere. Even if the task seems impossible, you will be happy when it's over, and the first step to getting over that is to start. Decide today that you want to let go.
If you are dwelling on issues from the past, today is the day to get over them. Learn to forgive. This is a vital skill in any relationship, and you can't possibly expect to have a truly functional relationship with anyone if you haven't gotten your past issues taken care of first.
Forgiveness can be extremely difficult. All of us have been wounded by others, both intentionally and otherwise, and sometimes those wounds go very deep. Start by praying for the ability to forgive, and open your heart to the possibility of it. Remember that holding a grudge can be pretty draining. If you deserve someone who can give you their 100%, you should be willing to give 100% to them too--and you can't do that while still being a hater.
Get over your haterhood.
Of course, it's not always that easy. I've had friends who were raped, abused; how do you forgive that? How do you forgive a parent's neglect? It's not easy. While I was growing up I felt pretty neglected by my parents, and it took years of therapy and prayer to change that. Now we are on good terms, but for a good decade there we weren't. Getting over my issues with them was difficult--but you have to start somewhere. Even if the task seems impossible, you will be happy when it's over, and the first step to getting over that is to start. Decide today that you want to let go.
STORYTIME WITH ALLIE
I have a few stories here. The first involves one of my exboyfriends. This guy couldn't forgive anyone for anything. He held grudges about innocent mistakes, about minor things with good intentions. He also held grudges about, obviously, larger things. If he ever reads this it may even inflame his long-term grudge against me. Anyway, I should have been a little more alerted to his lack of forgiveness before we started dating. This habit of his was unhealthy for our relationship: I felt often like I had to tiptoe around his feelings, because if I didn't he would arbitrarily decide to hate me and not get over it, like he had with so many people and things in the past. Clearly, this was unhealthy.
A year later, I was dating my current squeeze, and I was dealing with some issues with a political enemy, my arch-nemesis. It wasn't exactly a SUPERPASSIONATE problem I had with him, but it was reasonably debilitating. For Lent, I gave up hating on him, and after longer than 40 days, it finally worked. Today, he and I are pretty good friends, even though we will probably never agree on anything politically. I know that my getting over my animosity toward him was important, because once I got over it, I was able to devote more of that energy toward being happy, making myself a better person, and helping my significant other be happy too.
And here's one more story for you. Just a little while ago, my boyfriend and I were discussing our future plans, and he accidentally caught sight of a few sentences from my journal, which he laughed at. These particular lines were pretty personal and relevant to what we were talking about, and I was pretty hurt. I was glad, though, that I could remember that he didn't know how personal that bit was, and when he apologized for laughing I could forgive him right away, even though it still hurt. The fact of forgiveness is that it isn't easy until you make it easy for yourself, and sometimes even after you forgive you still have a wound to heal alone. And that's okay. Life is painful, but you really do have to get over. Learn to forgive, because finding the love of your life isn't going to be that great if you just chase them away with your grudges.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Tip #5: Dress for Success
Is that not the tritest phrase ever? "Dress for success." We've all heard it a zillion times, but what does it really mean? How many of us take this to heart?
Now, let me first say something before I get to the meat of this entry. Clothing is obviously not everything. It is not nearly as important as personality or spirit. There are plenty of people in this world who dress strangely and still get happy endings in the end. However, I am here to help you in case you feel like you'd like to dress to look good.
What is the point of clothing? Well, obviously there are lots of reasons why we wear clothes. For warmth, to cover up places we don't want people to see, for general comfort. However, function and aesthetics should never be enemies, and they don't need to be.
Obviously, clothing could take up its own blog. A blog which I would love to write, but alas, do not have the time for. Oh well. The first tip is to figure out what kind of body type you have.
Women usually have one of the following body types:
Stick--almost no curves, just kind of straight
Apple--curvy, with more fat in the stomach area
Pear--small torso, wider hips
Hourglass--even distribution of fat in chest and hips.
Men have the following body types:
Ectomorph--not much muscle or fat tissue (long and skinny)
Mesomorph--strong musculature, naturally has lots of muscle tissue
Endomorph--naturally has more fat tissue.
Basically. I paraphrased.
Men, this is a handy website. Seriously, please poke around it for a while. Figure out your colors and styles and build them into your wardrobe. Yes, it is worth it to spend several hundred dollars to build up a decent collection of good clothing.
Remember that what you wear on the outside is a reflection of who you are on the inside. Are you really still in high school on the inside? Even if you aren't, that is what your clothing will say if that's what you're still wearing.
Women: remember that the point of clothing for you is to make yourself look like you have an hourglass figure. If you're top-heavy, wear some good belts slung low on the waist. If you're waist-heavy, wear baby-doll tops and shirts that emphasize the bust, drawing attention away from the lower half. If you don't already, watch What Not to Wear on TLC, officially one of my favorite shows ever. Also, getting a subscription to a good fashion magazine or two wouldn't hurt.
Remember: even though people should appreciate the beauty within, you can't expect them to give you a chance if you aren't emphasizing the beauty without.
But seriously: do you want a significant other who dresses like they've never heard of a mirror? No. So wear nice clothes. Dang it.
Now, let me first say something before I get to the meat of this entry. Clothing is obviously not everything. It is not nearly as important as personality or spirit. There are plenty of people in this world who dress strangely and still get happy endings in the end. However, I am here to help you in case you feel like you'd like to dress to look good.
What is the point of clothing? Well, obviously there are lots of reasons why we wear clothes. For warmth, to cover up places we don't want people to see, for general comfort. However, function and aesthetics should never be enemies, and they don't need to be.
Obviously, clothing could take up its own blog. A blog which I would love to write, but alas, do not have the time for. Oh well. The first tip is to figure out what kind of body type you have.
Women usually have one of the following body types:
Stick--almost no curves, just kind of straight
Apple--curvy, with more fat in the stomach area
Pear--small torso, wider hips
Hourglass--even distribution of fat in chest and hips.
Men have the following body types:
Ectomorph--not much muscle or fat tissue (long and skinny)
Mesomorph--strong musculature, naturally has lots of muscle tissue
Endomorph--naturally has more fat tissue.
Basically. I paraphrased.
Men, this is a handy website. Seriously, please poke around it for a while. Figure out your colors and styles and build them into your wardrobe. Yes, it is worth it to spend several hundred dollars to build up a decent collection of good clothing.
Remember that what you wear on the outside is a reflection of who you are on the inside. Are you really still in high school on the inside? Even if you aren't, that is what your clothing will say if that's what you're still wearing.
Women: remember that the point of clothing for you is to make yourself look like you have an hourglass figure. If you're top-heavy, wear some good belts slung low on the waist. If you're waist-heavy, wear baby-doll tops and shirts that emphasize the bust, drawing attention away from the lower half. If you don't already, watch What Not to Wear on TLC, officially one of my favorite shows ever. Also, getting a subscription to a good fashion magazine or two wouldn't hurt.
Remember: even though people should appreciate the beauty within, you can't expect them to give you a chance if you aren't emphasizing the beauty without.
But seriously: do you want a significant other who dresses like they've never heard of a mirror? No. So wear nice clothes. Dang it.
STORYTIME WITH ALLIE
I love clothing. And yet, it has often been the case that I end up dating guys with no real fashion sense. I've decided it's okay, because I'm open-minded enough to deal with that, but it can sometimes be interesting.
For example, my current boyfriend took a month off from life to go on a tour of the nation, and also America's Hat (Canada). Halfway through the trip, he stopped in DC t see me. When he got off the train, he basically looked like a hobo. A very attractive hobo, perhaps, but a hobo nonetheless. I was, of course, dressed up in my work clothes (I work for the government these days). We spent our first night together again wandering the city dressed like that, and it was certainly a sight to behold. Of course, in that situation he didn't really have any options, and later I went home and donned some less-nice clothing, but the point is, it's best if you kind of look like you match the person you want to date, at least in how much you care about your personal appearance.
Remember: dressing well doesn't just help you get a date. It also helps you get jobs, and secure the general respect of other people. Therefore, dressing well is a good thing.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Tip #4: Confidence!
So far a few of these entries here have been about the idea of coming to the conclusion that you are good enough. What this all is eventually supposed to add up to is... bazam bazam, CONFIDENCE!
Confidence and pride are not the same thing. This is my pet peeve. So many people put themselves down for the sake of alleged humility, and it's really not good for anyone.
Pride is when you build yourself up at the expense of others. Confidence is merely understanding your own self-worth. You can be humble and still recognize that you are a talented artist, or a great writer, or a good athlete. Being modest does not mean putting yourself down so others can feel better about themselves. Being modest means abstaining from pride.
I know we've all heard or seen this quotation before, but I'm going to bring it up again:
We are all meant to shine. That is the essence of confidence, but also of humility. We have been created to lift each other up, to help each other with our talents and our light. Are you cultivating that inner light? Are you letting it shine through?
Confidence is important because in a very real way it makes everything else possible. Don't be afraid to let yourself shine. Find out what you're good at and cultivate it, let it out.
Confidence and pride are not the same thing. This is my pet peeve. So many people put themselves down for the sake of alleged humility, and it's really not good for anyone.
Pride is when you build yourself up at the expense of others. Confidence is merely understanding your own self-worth. You can be humble and still recognize that you are a talented artist, or a great writer, or a good athlete. Being modest does not mean putting yourself down so others can feel better about themselves. Being modest means abstaining from pride.
I know we've all heard or seen this quotation before, but I'm going to bring it up again:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Marianne Williamson
We are all meant to shine. That is the essence of confidence, but also of humility. We have been created to lift each other up, to help each other with our talents and our light. Are you cultivating that inner light? Are you letting it shine through?
Confidence is important because in a very real way it makes everything else possible. Don't be afraid to let yourself shine. Find out what you're good at and cultivate it, let it out.
STORYTIME WITH ALLIE
This is such an important idea. The other night I was talking to my favorite person ever about this topic. I think it's one that's often misrepresented. Confidence, and true understanding of self-worth, is deemed less important than so-called "modesty," putting yourself down. That's not what life is about.
I don't remember the first time I finally figured that out. I think it was a process more than anything. It's something you have to think about and ponder, and one day just decide to let yourself be seen for what you are.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Helpful Hint: What Makes You Happy?
This is a good exercise. Pull out a sheet of paper and write about the top ten things that make you happiest. I think this tells a lot about a person.
ALLIE'S SAMPLE LIST
(in no particular order)
1. Ideas
2. Knowing things
3. Freedom
4. Flowers
5. Waterfalls
6. Suddenly understanding new things
7. Communicating my thoughts correctly
8. Listening to the meaningful thoughts of others
9. Putting my life in order
10. Being with people I love
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Tip #3: Your Life Is Your Mirror
Your life is your mirror.
Two books everyone should read on this topic: As A Man Thinketh by James Allen, and The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy.
The basic idea is, I guess, boiled down into the idea of karma. You get what you give, you are what you think, and your circumstances are an effect of who you are. Events are effects; thoughts are the cause. If you change your thoughts, because you have changed the cause you will change the effect.
This is a vastly important idea to master while you're looking for a companion, because necessarily your companion, or lack of one, is a manifestation of the thoughts and thought patterns you are creating.
Nothing comes into your life except that which you need to learn and grow--we aren't thrown into the refiner's fire because there's nothing to burn out; we are thrown into the refiner's fire to burn out the dross. If we feel lonely, if we feel sad, if we feel lost, the only way to overcome these feelings is to change our thought patterns. We must realize that we deserve better.
How many times have you heard a sad person complain that they are depressed? Or a single person complain that they are lonely? Dwelling on thoughts like this is not the way to get out of them. Every time unpleasant thoughts enter our minds, we must replace them with others, because we get what we think about. If we dwell on the miserable and unhappy, that is all we can expect to get in our lives.
I think this is true for everything in life, because I do not believe that God would ever allow unnecessary suffering. However, since this is a dating blog, let's focus on that aspect of it.
Take a look at your dating life. If you're reading this blog, you're probably not that happy with it. I think in today's age we are taught to blame others--it's my parents' fault, my teachers' fault. I wasn't breastfed. The real issue here isn't what happened to you, it's how you feel about what's happened to you, what you think about it and what you do about it. If you're not happy with your life, change how you think, and your life must necessarily change too.
Two books everyone should read on this topic: As A Man Thinketh by James Allen, and The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy.
The basic idea is, I guess, boiled down into the idea of karma. You get what you give, you are what you think, and your circumstances are an effect of who you are. Events are effects; thoughts are the cause. If you change your thoughts, because you have changed the cause you will change the effect.
This is a vastly important idea to master while you're looking for a companion, because necessarily your companion, or lack of one, is a manifestation of the thoughts and thought patterns you are creating.
Nothing comes into your life except that which you need to learn and grow--we aren't thrown into the refiner's fire because there's nothing to burn out; we are thrown into the refiner's fire to burn out the dross. If we feel lonely, if we feel sad, if we feel lost, the only way to overcome these feelings is to change our thought patterns. We must realize that we deserve better.
How many times have you heard a sad person complain that they are depressed? Or a single person complain that they are lonely? Dwelling on thoughts like this is not the way to get out of them. Every time unpleasant thoughts enter our minds, we must replace them with others, because we get what we think about. If we dwell on the miserable and unhappy, that is all we can expect to get in our lives.
I think this is true for everything in life, because I do not believe that God would ever allow unnecessary suffering. However, since this is a dating blog, let's focus on that aspect of it.
Take a look at your dating life. If you're reading this blog, you're probably not that happy with it. I think in today's age we are taught to blame others--it's my parents' fault, my teachers' fault. I wasn't breastfed. The real issue here isn't what happened to you, it's how you feel about what's happened to you, what you think about it and what you do about it. If you're not happy with your life, change how you think, and your life must necessarily change too.
STORYTIME WITH ALLIE
I have great faith in this idea, and I've been living my life by it for a while. I believe that people think about you what you think about them; when you think to yourself how stupid someone else is, you only make yourself dumber. But when you think more beautiful thoughts, those show in your life as well.
In my own life, I think this has manifested in many ways. As far as I know, I'm only on unpleasant terms with one person in this world, and to be fair, I don't always think amazingly highly of him myself. I have been extraordinarily blessed with money and health, and a wonderful man in my life. You get what you earn in life, and what you earn, you earn through your thoughts.
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